Musings of a wolf loving croupier
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "wolf_dealer" journal:
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12:02 pm
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Poo
There's loads i want to say but i just can't be bothered. Fed up with all the shit i feel in my life. Need to get myself sorted especially money
grrrrrrr
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01:54 pm
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Some One Shoot Me
For fuck's sake would some one please just shoot me???
I'm sick and tired of feeling something for a stupid girl who is almost as weird as i am.
I really shouldn't have talked to my ex again. It only causes pain and problems. So she cae over the other night with my flamate to have a meal (the fucking dishes for which are still not done, and i refuse because they used every fucking last one). Anyway she ended up in my room and i might have pushed her up against the door and kissed her, didn't go down well the first time but later on she kissed me as well so it can't have been that bad an idea. Fuck, i was just horny and wanted sex. Not my fault. Yeah a figured we could have sex and then go to just being mates, like the original fucking plan but no. She gets more emotional than me. Bollocks. Anyway. After that she starts being a bit weird so i leave for work with her acting a touch weird. Probably didn't help that while she was here i was on the computer and she saw some of my poetry. The one too her made her cry. Oops. Should have just shown her everything. Maybe then she'd have understood more than she thought she did.
She text me as i was on my way to work accidentaly, as it was meant for someone else. When i text back i told her maybe it was a beter idea if we didn't see each other again because all i ever wanted to do was rip her clothes of and fuck her against a wall. I meant physically see, and i still wanted to talk to her and be friends cos fuck i need one. But she thought i meant never again. I don't know. It's not what i meant but i guess it's my fault for the way i worded it. Anyway, i text her later to kinda clarify things but she never replied, so i gave her a call on one of my breaks and we just argued. Mainly because once again she wouldn't listen. It was a bad argument and ended in her hanging up. I text her to tell her to stop being a bitch and told h exactly why i kissed her. Bad plan, cos it just led to more arguments. I trid to calmher down and asked her to lunch the next day to talk things through. Our current relationship is so damn weird. Call her the next norning to see if she want'sto go for lunch but she is half asleep. So i decide to just leave her alone. Text her to be nice later but that's about it.
Anyway she asks if i want to go out with her and some friends and she seems like she just wants to befriends. Hasn't mentioned the other night at all and is acting normally. Anyway i was feeling like a supreme cock after being so honest. So i said i'd think about it. I decided i probably wld go but fell asleep instead. I woke up feeling likea train had slammed straight into my heart and spent a couple of hours feeling shit. I gave her a call just to chat and to talklike friends because i reall needed to but she was still out so i just left her alone again. She left early, probably to go home with some guy, ok maybe that'sme just beingme, cos she's not really like that, but for once i feel like sullyin er good name. Anyway, she called me to check i was ok, i lied and toldher just to go to sleep. And we hung up. Now me, ireally was feeling sht and facied a walkto clear my head so i decided fuck it call her back and see if she would like to help me out and talk. Good idea i thought. Wrong, i call back and before i even get anywhere she throws the stuff about me wanting sex back in my face. I know i'm a twat but that's not why i called so that on top of how i was feeling anyway just threw m for six and i had tohang up or i was going to be way too emotional. So i blurted that that's ot what i wanted and hung up. Text her and told her to consider me dead. And now will never text her again.
Just can't believe she thought tha. She made it abundantly clear i was never getting anywhere near her insides again the night before why the fuck would i hurt myself to try??? Fuck.
Grr so i'm really pissed at her an me and just want to curl into a ball an disappear.
Fuck you. I love you an hate you in the sae micro second and all you ever do is kill me. Your words ar sharper than ay knife. Apparently the pen is mightier than the sword, who ever came up with that had never been on the recieving end of your tongue. goodbye.
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11:01 am
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Hmm
Haven't slept much in the last four days. Somewhere around 5 hours i think. I don't understand it. Usually i can sleep in the afternoons, but right now i just don't seem interested in sleep. I guess it doesn't help that i keep feeling guilty for not going into town and doing things i keep meaning to do: new work shoes, check out gym membership, look into laptop buyage, shop, etc etc. But i don't cos i'm to lazy and comfy here. Kinda stoopd like.
Wish i could sleep properly though. I even tried ths morning but only got 2 hours.
Poop.
Sudoku not helping tho.
i must be pretty highas a kite though, i'm rambling and thlast letter i wrote was a bit of a bugger and most likely to get me in trouble if she ever see's it. oops.
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09:05 am
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HAHA
How funny is this, the boy i was going to have a fight with the other night ended up getting decked by another guy i wrk with after i left anyway. Really wish i'd hung around now, would have loved to have seen that one.
I wish i could tell people, especially me, the damn truth. I'm in love. I have been for a good while now. Why can't i just get her out of my head? It's got to the point now that i run home from work not only to try and improve my fitness which is decidely lacking now adays, but also to avoid the thought of stopping by the flower shop and seeing if they have black cala lillies in yet, or to see if the have cala lillies full stop. I hate it. I need heras a friend why thefck can't i just get her the fuck out of my damn head.
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09:24 am
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Grrr
I really shouldn't drink, i know it's a bad idea and yet i do it anyway. You'd think i'd bloody learn.
Was a little tipsy on Wednesday night and ended up nearly in a fight with one of the guy's i was out with. But i did warn him to leave my damn nipples alone 4 fucking times. But he just had to keep pushing it. He ended up with a ripped shirt for his troubles but i don't particulalry care.
And i called the ex, bad move. She pissed me off though. She said se'd call and didn't andi know that that doesn't sound like much but right now it's a hell of a lot to me. I'm tired of making all the fucking effort in my friendships. I'm always the one calling or texting. I need someone to be my fucking friend for a change and i hoped she would do that, but she let me down. You'd think i'd be used to it by now. Disappointment that is. So yeah called her, can't remember exactly what i said to her but i remember saying that she proved a couple of my poems totally correct. Which she did. But well. Supposed to be meeting her for lunch today, another bad plan of mine, well, her idea but only because i sent her a text saying that i actually needed a friend for once. It seemed a better idea than little hints. Although one of the poems i sent her was a dead give away that i wanted a friend to talk to.
And i really fucked up with another friend, tol her i wished i'd never known her. Not true, but at that point i wished i'd never known anyone. So i doubt she'llbe speaking much for a while. Used to that as well though.
I appreciate that people get busy and have their own lives but it takes 2 minutes to text someone, less if all it says is hi how's you. So why's that so damn hard?
Fuck this shit.
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11:52 am
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I dunno
I don't know any thing right now.
At least, thats how i'm feeling anyway. Just feeling kinda weird and i can't put my finger on why, don't think it's he garlic bread and chicken at 6.30 in the morning that's done it. It feels deeper, more like mark somewhere on my soul. A mark i can't even touch or even begin to heal.
I just don't know.
I think i discovered a big difference between me and alot of people in that i'm the type of person that will make it look like what you do doesn't bother me. Sometimes i'll even try nd make it look like i like it. I do this because i hate people seeing me upset or angry. It's been like that since i was a kid and had to learn to control my temper because if i didn't people got hurt. It didn't matter to those in charge that the people who got hurt started it, or that there were 3 or 4 of them and only me, i was slightly taller, and chubbier and so it was automaically me wo had to learn to control myself, because i was instantly seen to be bigger and more dangerous. Bollocks. Those people did me more harm than i will ever ever do to them. Grr. Back to the point, yes, unlike some people if you piss me off at work you'll never know but that doesn't mean you haven't pissed me off.
Maybe i have alot less physical boundaries than some people. I don't care if you touch me, or do some thing physical to me, because i'll just do it back, if that' safe to do, but when you belittle me,ortake the piss that starts to hurt. Have any of you noticed that when you say something even slightly off or mean i clam up. I bite my tongue and refuse o talk toanyone for a while? It's easier that way, safer for me because i won't get angry.
Point is, if i don't do somthing to you that youdo to me, chances are i never wanted it done in the first place.
I guess this aks very little sense but i don't care. I feel very weird just now.
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01:15 pm
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Going to sound stupid.
This is going to sound stupid but in the last couple of days i think i have started to get over my ex even more. The reasons for this are mainly; i am realising that we would never work anyway, i'm to different for her and with the casino job as much as i'd have time for her whenever she wanted me she'd never do the same for me. She never really did and it's one of the things she believes the least, that everything has to be done on her terms.
Anyway, in the last couple of days i've kind of realised that yes i miss speaking to her and having great sex but thats about it. I kinda think maybe thats all it ever was but the romantic in me tried to make it more.
Is this just a stupid saying or what... "What i like in me the best and hate the worst." The first half is fine but surely the second half suggests that it is something that you don't hate that much?? Stupid double negatives.
Working tonight and quite looking forward to it, had an amazing night on saturday, was a great laugh and i didn't make as many mistakes as usual. Was really good. We've got a staff party coming up at the begining of february because the one at New Year was cancelled becauseso may people couldn't make it. It's just stupid though, they've known for a whole year that the staff party was on new years day so surely could have either made it known they couldn't make it sooner so another day could hve been arranged or just made other plans so they could come. Doesn't mater now though, staff party coming up and i plan on having a great night. Even with someof he women i work with trying to worry me about it.
O.k so i know people are busy but how long does it take them to send a damn text message?? less than 3 minutes, so when you get a break just send a quick text to say hi and then next time you speak to me you wont have to spend 5 minutes apologising because you "meant" to text but were too busy. For fuck sake i work totally opposite shifts to 90% of my friends and yet i still manage to keep in touch. Forget it.
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01:23 pm
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BROTHERS
Brothers hated,
Brothers loved.
Brothers never agree.
Brothers forgive,
Brothers forget,
Brothers start again.
Brothers grow up,
Brothers talk,
Brothers feel like fools.
Brothers old,
Brothers young,
Brothers always one.
Tags: poetry
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01:12 pm
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I NEEDED SOMEONE
I needed someone,
Anyone would do,
But when I did,
I turned to you.
But you didn’t ask,
Any right questions,
And you always made,
All the wrong noises.
You made me not,
Want to say what I needed,
Made me want to hide,
All of my feelings.
I’ve tried since,
Little hints,
Here and there,
You ignore them,
Like you don’t care.
Don’t know I guess,
What I expected,
Now you’re on,
To someone new.
But I still needed,
Someone like you,
Still needed,
Someone to listen,
But you were to busy.
And once again no one's here. Am i really that bad a person that everyone i know feels i'm not worth texting, calling, speaking to? God there are times when i hate being me.
Tags: poetry
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04:34 pm
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Hmm......
Well, what to say.
( Ex tribulation )
"But I, being poor,
have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams."
William Butler Yeats
( Casino tribulations )
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08:41 pm
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WHAT KIND OF MAN
What kind of man,
am i to let,
the world go by,
unaltered or changed,
by actions or deeds?
Sad and pointless,
is what i'd be,
if i let the world,
just wander past,
without me.
I could help,
fix a few wrongs,
but only if i try,
dont let the world,
go on without me to long.
Tags: poetry
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05:04 pm
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What is going on?
The other night I was on thephone to my ex-gf, this normally is a torid time filled with insults and lies, lies generally on my part where i tell her i never want anything to do with her and think she's all sorts of stuff she isn't. But she damn near killed me when we split up and i'm not mature enough to just take it on the chin. Well i wasn't, afer that i'd probably handle it better a second time round, and i doubt i'll like any one else that much that losing them will do that to me.
Anyway, we started talking just normally, and god i miss her. It sounds so sad but i really do, i just wish i had her back. I want to hold her and love her like she deserves. I'm such a soppy git at times.
Problem is i slept with another friend just two days after that call and i actually feel guilty about it. Espcially since i told my ex that nothing would ever happen between me and my friend (D). So for some reason i feel bad and i really have no reason too, it's not like i'll ever get back together with my ex, she'll never have me after some of the things i said and did. But i feel bad. And i'm not sure how to tell her or if i should tell her. God i hate women sometimes.
Gutted as well because Cats isn't on on sunday an i was really looking forward to going and seeing it with a couple of work mates. Oh well. Will try and get them out for a game of pool or bowling or something but for some reason i doubt they will be up for it.
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=1752526359
this is an excellent human beat box clip if anyone is interested, stole it from my space, it's called kitchen diaries.
Laters
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01:41 pm
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Fuck
I majorly screwed up at work last night. Really pissed off. It was just such a stupid thing to do and i can't believe i did it. I thought i was going to get my ass handed to me on a plate but i didn't get into as much trouble as what i was woried about, just a warning. Grrr just pissed at my self for being such a twat.
I was dealing blackjack and a guy on the last two boxes had put down an extra bet between me finishing one hand and starting the next. I saw it and knew it was there. I even knew there was 9 pound on the box. Anyway, i started to deal the next hand and somehow managed to get right past the second last box without sticking down a card. Yes, i'm a twat. I know that if this happens all that's supposed to happen is that the cards are supposed to get moved back one space to were they should have been dealt to if i'd done it correctly, and me being the smart arse that i am i figured i could manage a simple task like that. I probably could as well if i hadn't spent time listening to customers as i was tryin to do it and had just done it one card at a time. But i didn't, i tried to do it all at once and fucked up. This led to people kicking up an understandable fuss, my inspector turned round and if looks could kill this would not be an entry. So he was mad, he had to call over the pit boss and he took one look at the cards, one look at me and i thought i might just get removed from the table right there and then. He told me to scrap the hand and just pay everyone.
That was kinda gutting cos some of them were being pricks and i firmly believe that pricks and ass holes deserve nothing even if i make a mistake, For fucks sake i'm still a fucking trainee, give me a wee break. So i pay everyone and scrap the hand then had to shuffle the whole deck again. As my pit boss walks of he just whispers in my ear "And we'll talk about this later!" And tht was it for me i was worried for the next 40 minutes.
Anyway after it was all over and i was startig to get back into the flow of things my inspector leans over and just tells me that one of the cardinal rules at all times is never to listen to customers. I finished dealing and we closed he table then at the end of the night i hung around for the pit boss who looked at me like i was wierd when i was waiting for him, and he couldn't remember why i wanted to see him. I reminded him and then he went on to tell me and another trainee that the best bet at all times is to cover your own arse and get someone higher than you to sort problems.
After the way i felt last night it's quite safe to say... Lesson Learned.
So that was my fiasco for the night. I'm sure there willbe others in the future but fck that scared me.
After we'd all finished though we were allowed to stay back and watch the Ricky Hatton fight which kinda cheered me up. Was a good fight but i don't think Hatton Deserved to win, Urango was, in my opinion a better all round fighter. give him a year or so and i reckon he'll hump Hatton if they fight again.
Off to chill before work.
Laters
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02:50 pm
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Fed up
I'm fed up an bored. it's a nice day outside so i should be out doing something but i'm still kinda tired after work and getting no sleep since. Oh well, i guessi just needed to get that pointlessness of my chest.
I'm lazy fuck up.
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01:45 pm
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Depression
DEPRESSION
Disease ridden,
can never be free.
Mind so twisted,
firmly holds to me.
Patches like rays,
of soft moonlight,
few and weak,
in this unpushed night.
Inescapable nightmare,
seems to angelise and fade,
but it races back,
with a vengence,
like a devilsh eagle,
with obsidian black wings,
like diamond razor blades.
I wrote this poem a fair while ago now but i just re-read it recently and it kinda makes sense even more just now.
Kinda makes me think!
Tags: poetry
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03:03 pm
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I PICK 'EM
I really pick them,
I really do.
Why do i find the ones,
Who're all completely screwed?
All the sluts,
All the psycho's,
Why do they come?
What do they know?
About me?
About what I'll do,
What I'll do,
To get them out the rubble.
How do they know?
How do they find me?
Can they tell something,
I just don't see!
Tags: poetry
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05:17 pm
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People
People are starting to piss me off.
Why does everyone think that i never have any problems and that my life is just one great big ball of hilarity??
Can't be arsed anymore, can't be bothered to be the one to contact everyone else first, friendships a two way street not one way traffic. I'm always the one doing the chasing and i'm fed up of it. Time people either started taking an interest and a part in my life or they can be out of it. Simple as that.
GRRRRR FUCK THEM ALL
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06:05 pm
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Well
Well there's loads i could put in here but it would mean sitting in my flat mates room for even longer than is absolutley necessary, lets just say that things do not feel like they are going the way they should. But well do they ever?????
Really think i might buy my own laptop and get that connected t' tinternet.
Well.
Laters
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04:55 pm
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First Poem Post- DEAR ALL
Dear all,
was how it started.
And thats as far as i got,
before i departed.
There was nothing left,
inside or out,
just a shell of emptiness,
nothing to talk about.
Tags: poetry
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04:39 pm
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First Entry
Well it's been a while since i was in the livejournal world, a hell of a lots changed like since i was last here.
What to say......
I have no doubt i will update when ever i feel like it, kinda wish i had my own computer soi didn't have to rely on borowing my flatmates, but well, we allmust make do i guess.
I have a bebo page that has a lot more about me onit at the moment it's in my user info if any one is interested (who????) and i have a blurty but thanks to an old girlfriends ex's psycho other hlf most of it is friends only, not even sure i can remember the link.... will try cos it has loads of my old poetry some of it aint too bad.
Well, hello and goodbye.
XXXMexxx
Current Mood:  apathetic
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wolf_dealer's journal